wellthatsadorable:

LATFC, trying to be as regal as possible. You’re not fooling anyone, Corgi. You’re not wearing a cape or a king’s robe, you’re wearing an adorable lobster costume. Listen, we’re going to laugh and take pictures of you in that ridiculous get up, but have a sense of humor about it for once. I’ll put on the costume after and you can make fun of me, deal? Ok, look at me, I’m a lobster person! Don’t I look stupid and hilarious?? Isn’t this great???

Ok, you were right, this feels foolish. I owe you an ice cream sandwich.

*look at this fucking Corgi (Thanks for the pic, Andrew!)

This is from an e-mail from my brother… But really, what does he THINK we do in New York City?

Several weeks ago, Clemens made a list of what he wanted to do in NY (he is very organized, gets it from his mother). This is in no way mandatory or exclusive but it  might be a good baseline:

1. Ride the subway
2. Skyscraper (Empire State?)
3. Grand Central Station
4. Intrepid

My list would include ethnic food, since G’town is seriously lacking in in that area. Clemens would probably enjoy eating something from a food cart.

Doc and I took a long, snowy walk this morning through the park and the streets of Brooklyn. I stopped into our favorite bagel shop and tied him up outside near the door as he likes to be able to look in to make sure I’m okay and still there and won’t leave him forever. Since all of the neighborhood kids were out of school, it was crowded and this overprotective mom was talking all over the place. It took a while for the bagel but I would walk to the door to reassure Doc every few minutes and finally as I was paying, the mom looks outside and gasps as though someone was attacking Doc with a baseball bat. She points and loudly goes, “Who has left this poor dog tied up outside in the snow??” (Too be fair, he did look kind of pathetic as the snow was piling up on him.) And I raise my hand and say, “It’s okay, he’s mine.” And she goes, “Is he okay? Isn’t he cold?” And I sigh and say, “Well, he’s a dog, I’m sure he’s fine.” And she just kind of looks at me like I’m the worst parent in the world so I lie and say, “He’s part Husky” which, oddly, seemed to reassure her. Then Doc and I sat outside together in the snow and ate the bagel together.

It made me long for my salty old Uncle Tom who died a year ago. We have this infamous story when my brother and his dog Camden (who wasn’t bad, but just misunderstood but did have a huge reputation for biting people) were out to our family farm. Uncle Tom  (who, in the purposes of what I’m about to tell you, was one of the biggest dog-lovers I’ve ever known) walked outside and Camden just starting sprinting at him and nashing his teeth and my brother starting yelling for Uncle Tom to watch out but instead this 70-year-old, weathered man just stood his ground and when Camden ran up to bite him, he just pulled his foot back and kicked Camden as hard as he could. Camden went flying. When Rob ran up to make sure everyone was okay, Uncle Tom just said, “Sometimes, you need to treat a dog like a dog.” And Camden and Uncle Tom were best friends after that.

But anyway, to that woman in the bagel shop — just wait until I leave my kids tied up outside in the snow. THAT will give you something to squak about.

If you drive less than two hours a day? Ha! This pee-paw drives two hours a year. ZING!

“Oh, yawn. Just another silly red carpet event for me while I’m showered with millions and the adoration of the world. Ugh. My life.”

According to E! News, Kristen Stewart will be attending the Academy Awards next month with a “Twilight” co-star on her arm, but it won’t be Robert Pattinson. “Yeah, I’m going,” Stewart confirms. “Me and Taylor [Lautner] are going to present. I’ve been looking at shoes. I’m trying to pick shoes that I know I won’t fall down in.”

For once, it would be nice if Stewart actually tried sounding excited about her ridiculously awesome life. She is presenting at the Oscar’s. With Taylor Lautner. She gets to buy ridiculously fancy new shoes. Shouldn’t fireworks be shooting out of her ass? Yet, she continually acts like every day of her life is akin to being forced to go to the prom with her acne-ridden cousin.

I got a gift basket from Ciroc liquors on Friday for Valentine’s Day. And this note came with it from Ciroc spokesman/co-owner P. Diddy, on his personal stationary, no less. I’m pretty sure it’s real — not only is he paid $100 million to endorse the brand (which means notes to editors!), he also spelled my name incorrectly. No publicist/intern would make such a juvenile mistake.

dailyotter:

Via

So, since we’ve hit 30, Nat and I have developed (small) calluses, which we talk about ALL THE TIME SINCE IT’S WEIRD TO HAVE OLD PEOPLE PROBLEMS. So I was thinking I should get him a treatment for him for Valentine’s Day. But don’t worry, to make it romantic, I’ll put whip cream on top of it.

We’re used to people commenting on Doc when we go outside. It is quite a site, this old dog wobbling around with booties. And the other day, Nat was out with him and this black guy pulled over in his SUV and said, “I’ve been watching you walk that dog for over a year now and I just want to say that dog has such spirit and is such an inspiration. You know, some guys with two legs will climb up a mountain just to jump off of it, when a man with one leg will suffer walking up it just so he can see the view.”

Nat talked to him for a while but didn’t explain to him that dogs — even crippled, old ones — don’t ever commit dogicide, that they will just keep going in order to be with us for as long as they possibly can. That’s why dogs are so great; they just want to be with us. But I mean, it really is something. I know it’s morbid, but I keep thinking that this will be our last year with our beloved dog, after all, how much longer can a 12 or 13-year-old 60 pound dog with a spinal cord injury keep going? But he just continues to keep on trucking with no regard to his age or injury. He doesn’t even notice it. The other day in the snow, he was just dragging himself around with such force and spirit and energy it was amazing. There is just no stopping him.

It looks like Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman is getting a new gig besides being a carrier for hundreds of tiny human beings. REALLY! RadarOnline.com reports that Suleman is meeting with the Game Show Network and seeking employment, but for what? Well, they don’t know, but that’s not going to keep me from throwing in two suggestions!

“How Much Room in the Womb?” Pregnant women will parade down a stage while contestants guess how many babies they have in there. Suleman will be the all-knowing host.

“Who’s Your Daddy” Suleman will have to guess from a variety of sperm donors who the father of her children is. (Sadly, this concept is already being used in a show called  “Maury.”)

In 2009, a movie that was the American equivalent of the adorable “Love Actually” was released. Its name? “He’s Just Not That Into You.” It wasn’t that bad, and it made oodles and oodles of cash. “Yes!” the executives figured. “People want big-name ensemble casts! They want hip takes on love! Bring us forth Julia Roberts, and we shall do it again, but this time, call it ‘Valentine’s Day!’”

And then they laughed and laughed and bought their seventh vacation home in Vail.

However, like most clones, this one is sick and not quite right. Sure, it uses the same formula of telling multiple stories with an A-list cast and even focuses on the same topic — love and the lack thereof — but this one is a complete waste of time.
The A-listers? All of them phone it in (it’s quite possible they didn’t even bother rehearsing; when Ashton Kutcher is a bright point, you have a problem). The script? Contrived and humorless and mostly lacking any surprises. The direction? Oh, Garry Marshall — you’ve had a nice career. It’s time to take up golf.

But no. Those execs know this film is going to make them millions. So right this moment, they’re working on a “Valentine’s Day” sequel, this time focusing on New Year’s Eve. Seriously. Even though the only shooting they should be doing is the “take it out back and end its misery” kind

Me looking like a telemarketer with VERY nice flowers from my VERY nice boyfriend. I LOVE GETTING FLOWERS. SO SUE ME.

This is my submission to hipster puppies. Not only is Doc wearing glasses and sticking out his tongue (damn the man!), he also seems to be missing pupils and therefore looks like a robotic dog. Taking it to the next level, yo. Plus, check out that sweet plastic sheeting on my windows.

Hey, I’m curious about something. For the past, say, 5 yrs or so, I’ve read article after article about Jennifer Anistons sad lovelife or saw people on tv talk about it. And everyone feels so bad for this hot millionaire. Because Brad Pitt left her, or whatever happened. Now every guy that gets with her and leaves is a scumbag in the medias eyes. “What did Jen do to deserve this” and stuff like that. Now everyones praising Gerard Butler for being with this needy rich girl. All I’m saying is, isn’t it possible that the reason noone sticks it out with her is because maybe she sucks and is smothering. Maybe its her. 50 million Elvis fans can’t be wrong.  She (outside of the drinking and drugs) acts just as needy as Lindsay Lohan and noone is reaching out with an article on her behalf. What hold does Aniston have on you guys ? Is it all those haircuts she gave you when she was on Friends ? I don’t mean to vent on you personally, I was just really curious.

Dogs in costume = comedy gold.